nephling's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beginning My life is most probably more than 50% past. I have precious little time left and, having given so very much of my time away on/to the shoulds, you betters, make me happy, take care of me, don't do thats for and of others I do believe I am going to take that remaining part for myself. This means I have to untangle this pile of wreckage to determine which, if any me is left. I am moving out, tossing away, giving away, returning, loading the catapult of all this junk left behind. Cleaning. House, Body Mind. Cleaning. One of the gifts of getting older is that supposedly, for women anyway, we get to go back to the creature we were before covertly being forced/taught to smile and be careful of everyone but ourselves. We get to go back to the magical fearless beings we were as girls. I am looking forward to that. It's as if being called away while reading a wonderful book, one gets to return to the story and it's better now. Lost and returning I have no idea how to get there. To use another metaphor the glove box is full of maps and I am tossing them over shoulder and out the open window while swerving all over the road. I suspect to find the map by is by elimination. I abandoned writing, years ago... though it was my First Love, the initial of many sacrifices to prepare the field of self loathing and betrayal. The pain of not being heard, even by myself, has manifested in a tendancy on my part of raising my voice when atempting to have what I want to be a conversation... that thought did not belong there, my grievances are pushing in line to be aired. If I stand Still, if I remember to be Still... I can watch those around me dance and know what they are about. My first lesson, step one the Way Back is to be Still. I have noticed of late my partner, and other men if not all men in my life have done this... silence me by shame. He touches his watch, he interupts me, he makes observances about my words or movements with an edge of criticism in his voice. If I point it out I am 1) hurting his feelings 2) picking a fight 3) misinterpreting 4) some physical problem he is having (tired, sick, headachey) which excuses his behavior. This is important and soul numbing for me. I want to watch and listen for this with a clear mind so I can be sure of what is happening before I rush to judgement... it certain feels bad and sad to me and I don't want to be treated this way and I am so careful, as an abuse survivor to be sure I never treat anyone this way. I am also suspect that, a True Love would not talk to someone like that however a manipulator would. This is not a happy love relationship for me and at this point I feel that I want out. The how and why of that will e challenging and devastating. Before I get there, I have to be sure. The only way to be sure is to eliminate all interference... and determine my part in it. As I change so will he and this may disapate. Forgive my typos I am writing on borrowed computer. 2:40 p.m. - 2009-07-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||